momom: i dont want to get up today. i feel sick. i think i got an ear infection. i left my phone at the doc's office and i have sorely missed all of my fbf's. terry has been bugging me to set up sissy's electricity. we live on friend's land with another couple (in their own travel trailer). their electricity was shut off two days ago. we have offered to put them on ours till they can pay their electricity. some day next week i want to take one of them to a group called texas neighborhood services and get them to pay their electricity. maybe i can get her on the same program im on. if i cant i know they can go to tns each month and get their bill paid. sissy has been talking about goig to work for a trucking company. i hope she goes soon. she has already been hired all she has to do is go. so terry says im about to turn off the electricity. then im waiting for it to go off. im wating. im waiting. im waiting. so get the idea in my head he's out there on the ground after trying to turn it off and getting electrocuted. hes out there workiing on the other part. i let him have it. yesterday i was out playing with missy his dog. she wraps her chain around my leg and takes off. the chain runs along my leg and snaps. i now have a rather bad bruise now. everytime i cross my calves, i feel it. before fb and ourstory, i hated the idea of journalizing. now that i know someone may read what i right, i love the idea of putting my thoughts down. i love gentle jusdgements i guess. knowing that someone will answer my thoughts with their own perspective in a polite way makes me feel loved. the kind of answers that tell me im wrong for feeling the way i do are abusive. the answers that way most ppl would feel some other way than the way i do are helpful. i can keep those ideas in my head when i go through something and let others know why i act the way i do. also if someone says hey this why we do what we do...i can act better. when i was living with mom she would say that she hated being called mamm. she thought it was like saying she was old bcs in ny the only ppl who were given that honor were the elders in her area. and my step-father answered being called sir by yelling sir three times and saying that he worked for a living, as if to say that the officers in the military were lazy bcs he thought all they did was pass out orders. i lost the chance to be adopted bcs when i went to the first foster home they wanted me to call them mam and sir. i would not insult them that way. the man was a retired admiral and sent me back bcs of that. i went through many abusive places after that. they never asked me why or showed me that sir and mam were honors not insults. one day at epworth, a house parent talked to me, really talked to me, truly talked to me. she and talked it out. she said that my parents were telling me what they wanted but that when i was talking to others it was different. she wasnt shocked or tried to make me feel scared. she took a moment with me to talk me into using those words. everyone else was like youre gonna so as i say without question right now or else. she was like hey if you want to make us happy and i know where you are coming from. she got me. and she helped me to get everyone else. when we would forget to say mam and answer her with what, she would make us laugh by yelling what right back at us. ofcourse the one who forgot felt foolish but in a good way. to give some idea of what it was like as a child, here were the rules, kids were to be seen not heard and do as told even if what we were told to do might kill us. that was part of why i went for 'walks in the woods' with the men who abused me. bcs of mom, i still hate being called mam. i feel like im not worthy of the honor. i feel like i never will be worthy of it. bcs of mom i feel like being old is a badge of honor which is why i dont talk about how old i am. that way some would think i am older than i am. we do get quite abit from our parents even if it is different. we may act some other way than our parents did but some of what we think and do is bcs of how we were treated by our parents. when i would go over to other kids houses with my parents i was told to go play with their kids and have fun and stay out of trouble. that was easy to do, but when we went to a house that had no kids, we told dont ask for anything. if there was candy on the table or we were thristy or they hosts had put out appetisers, none of us in the family were allowed to take part of anything our hosts had. after i got grown, i found out this behavior was bad manners. now when i have guests i think about that and how much i have which is less than what we need, but i must keep my guests from going through what i went through then. if i heard later that someone had been needy while i could help i get angry with them. i get the pride thing. i hate the pride thing. sometimes if i feel anger would only cause problems, try to ask the person to do me a favor while actually asking them to fill their need. like if someone is homeles, i tell them i need a guest to live with me bcs terry cant always be home or if they are out of food, i tell i have too much of something and would be very upset if it went bad, or i need someone to test out the new (imaginary) water filtration i have. or i have a gift of clothes for them. if we went to visit family, or were at home and were hungry it was our job to first find out if anyone was making a meal for all, if they were we were to wait for that meal, if not we were made to make our own and were allowed to eat pretty much anything. there were things we knew we better leave alone. grandpa used to chide us about drinking so much milk. he would only buy the best milk for us. im on an anti-biotic for my feet. after the infection goes away, they plan to take the toe nails from the big toes. i hope they do both at the same time. started taking kefir daily.. should save me $5/month in food stamps. we still need a hot water heater. i think it is going to be a long time b4 e can get one. since taking a cold shower is out of the question bor me, i will be takinga whore bath daily and going to a neighbor once/week for a full shower. got told today i have nice hair. they want to flat comb it. everytime i think about flat combing hair, i think about the kids' hair i use to do at epworth. i miss those girls. they were so sweet. wheni first came to epworth, ms williams ( a black house parent) was flat combing the hair of two young black girls and braiding their hair. she would pull so hard the girls would cry for hours. the process went like this, the girls of course took a bath (not a shower) daily to keep their hair from getting wet. but on firdays they would take thier hair down and wash it very well. ms williams always helped with that part. she needed to make sure the girls got everything out of their hair, all the grease, all the dirt. then the girls would dry and dress and go sit in a certain spot in the front room. one on the floor infront of a chair. while the girls were bathing ms williams would plug in this heater and stick the heavy metal comb in the heater. it was special heater shaped like a tunnel and the comb went inside the hole. this way when the girls sat down the combe was hot. ms williams would come in with petroleum jelly and rubber bands and very strong hands. i watched her a few times. one day i asked if i could help. she said she would give me one chance, but if their hair fell out over the week i was fired. she was so serious. so i agreed. i learned to plait and french braid. the girls preferred french braiding. so did i. it looked much nicer i thought. it lays so close to the head you can sleep in them but plaits made it hard to sleep and they got caught on anything you got your head close near. after that one try the girls begged ms williams to let me do their hair everytime. after the girls sat down, i would separate a section of hair and detangle and grease it up putting a bit of jelly in the part. then i would run the hot comb through the hair and braid it and put a band on the end. we did all sorts of designs. sometimes i would section off squares and barid from square to square. but mostly we did lines of french braids. i wanted to all one zigzag line but i had to move over to cottage b. the girls had to go back to having their hair braided by ms williams. poor girls. but i learned a valuable lesson. but now everyone flattens hair even whites. they use the new flatteners rather than the old combs. but when the time comes i will be able to take care of kinky hair. their girls' hair stayed in for the whole week. i always wondered if that was good for their hair. black women have assured me that it helped the girls' hair. but i thought how dirty it would get over the week. i would have learned how to do my own hair and done it every day back then. but now im doing pretty much the same thing now. but when i get a hot water heater i will go back to rinsing my hair everyday and washing once/week and as needed. i think we shall have turkey and rice for dinner. maybe turkey and pasta. along with some salad or sandwiches. what do you usually have on fridays. we always eat some kind of bird and some airy type sides. oh i how i wish i had my hot spot, its on my phone that i left at the doctor's office. i plan on getting into the habit of making sure i have my phone when i leave a place or vehicle. that way i can help avoid this. i know my farms are wilting lol. i pooped twice today, with my ibs that is amazing. the first must have filled my whole lower intestine. lol. im sore from it. but i do feel better than when it needed to come out and was stuck. im glad i could get klty to come in today on my radio. otherwise it would be too quiet in the house. this house is like a sieve. the cold wind just comes right in to the house.